How Not to run a Tournament

   I've been playing in live poker tournaments for quite a few years now and the vast majority of these have been pub or club games. These tournaments are run by amateurs who typically also play in the tournament they are directing. The individuals who run these games are generally volunteers who get no reward for the hours of work that they put into running these events and should be applauded for their efforts. However, having said that, I've been to quite a few tournaments that have been poorly run and some of them have been totally shambolic.
   What follows is a list of some of the worst examples of bad organisation in tournaments I've seen over the years. If anyone wants to ensure that they run an event that puts people off ever wanting to play there again, they should use this list as a guide. Implement as many of these suggestion as possible and you can pretty much guarantee that no-one will want to return to your poker tournament any time soon.

   How not to run a poker tournament:
   1. Don't provide any information. Anything that prospective players want to know before handing over their money should be kept secret. Information about the game structure (the starting stacks and blinds), whether or not there are re-buys or add-ons, how many places get paid, how much, if any, comes out of the prize-pool; all this should be on a need to know basis and let's face it, the players don't need to know. It helps if you yourself don't know all the details because you're making it up as you go along. But even if you have it all worked out, keep it to yourself if you can.
   2. Keep them guessing about the start time. Advertise a start time for your tournament but actually start at a different time, preferably earlier than advertised. Or advertise conflicting start times. One of the best examples I've seen of this was at a bar where they had two blackboards outside advertising their tournament, each showing a different time. Another way to go is to start much later than advertised because you are waiting for more players or you can't find some vital piece of equipment or because you just don't care. If you are running a regular event you should try to start late consistently.
   3. Change the structure at the last minute. If you do give out information about the game, you should change it just before the start, but after everyone has paid their entry fees. Decide to make your freeze-out tournament a re-buy or if it's a re-buy tournament, change the re-buy cost or the number of re-buys allowed. Or if your mate turns up late, change the cut off time for registration and let them play. With this one, it helps if you vary it from week to week; be strict about the cut off one week and then relax the rules the next week. Keep them guessing.
   4. Treat the players like naughty children. Start the tournament off by making a little speech where you berate the players for their shortcomings. Pick on some aspect of the rules that you think has been neglected in past games and give everyone a piece of your mind about it. Be as blunt as you like when you do this; you know they deserve it. This is particularly effective when you have a lot of new players who weren't even at the last game. They won't be at the next one either.
   5. Don't have written rules or procedures. Apart from following the general principal of 'keeping them guessing', this is also useful if anyone challenges a ruling you make: if there are no rules to refer to, there's no dispute. The rule is what you say it is. This is a great way of keeping players off balance. You can change your rulings from tournament to tournament and there's nothing anyone can do. The look on their faces when you make a ruling that is the opposite of what you said last week; priceless.
   6. Obscure the tournament clock. Most venues have tournament software that displays important information on a big screen. This should be obscured as much as possible. Try to situate the screen in a place that makes it visible to as few players as possible. Failing that, spend as much time as you can fiddling with the data entry screen so players can't see the clock. You can do this before the game starts and during breaks. It may be a relatively minor irritant, but every little helps. Another thing you could try; if you're using a TV screen, switch the tournament clock over to the computer screen so you can watch your favourite sporting event on the main screen. And turn the volume up, just for fun.
   7. Avoid transparency during the chip-up. When it comes time to change up players' chips, the messier the better. Do it as quickly as possible to maximise the possibility of errors and don't let players see what's going on. You should throw a player's chips into a container first and then give out the replacement chips. That way, no-one can question your accuracy because there's no way of checking it. If you have more than one person performing the chip-up they should work on separate stacks but preferably on the same table to maximise the confusion. And don't forget the golden rule; if you are playing in the tournament you should always chip-up your own stack.
   8. Have no set procedure for moving players. If you have to move a player to a new table, be as vague as possible. Just make it up as you go along. Ideally, don't even specify who has to move. Just say 'I need one player from table two over here', and let them work it out. And if you do have a set procedure and someone is reluctant to move, let them be and pick someone else. Also, when someone comes to a new table, don't use the tournament rule where they play straight away: use the cash game rule and force them to sit out several hands if they are seated in the blinds. Moving players should never be a fair and impartial process; ideally it should be at the whim of the tournament director and put the players who are moved at a disadvantage.
   9. Be a bad loser. If you are playing in a tournament that you are also running, your attitude towards the other players should be a reflection of how well your game is going. If you start losing, let everyone know that you are unhappy. Start telling people off for various minor infractions and try to make the atmosphere as unpleasant as possible. Choose a player at your table (preferably someone who is taking your chips but not someone who will stand up to you) and start picking on them. Be rude. Argue. Throw your weight around. If you are eliminated, do not, under any circumstances shake any-ones hand when you leave the table. Use the spare time that you now have to continue berating players for their poor behaviour. After all, who do they think they are?
   10. Waste players' time. Time is precious in a poker tournament. You should try and use up as much of that time as you can moving players, setting up tables chipping up and so on, but without stopping the clock. Let it run. I've only seen this once but it's a particularly inspired example of time wasting: have a dealer run the final table and then decide that you need to chip up during the game. But don't get someone else to do the chip up. Have the dealer stop dealing and perform the chip up while the clock runs on. Brilliant!
   11. Change the pay-outs. Most tournament management software works out the payouts and displays them on the screen. But when that's not the case, there's a potential to create confusion by keeping the information close to your chest. If you must let players know what the prizes are, scrawl them on a scrap of paper and pass it around the tables. Do this just once. If they can't remember, that's their problem. The 'bubble boy' ploy is also a good one. When you reach the point where the next player out will put the rest in the money, change the payouts and pay the player on the bubble a prize, reducing some of the other payouts. But only do this if the player on the bubble is a friend or relation or club-mate of yours. Otherwise, stick to the advertised prizes.
   12. Speed it up at the end. You don't want your tournament to run too long when there are only a few players left, especially if you've been knocked out, so speed it up. You can create a structure where the blinds suddenly start increasing massively towards the end, or you could just reduce the blind interval. Hell, make them 5 minutes long if you have to. Turn it into a craps shoot. Don't worry about the fact that these players have been working for hours to get to the big payout at the end, just roll the dice and see who comes out the winner. Then you can go home and get some rest.
   13. Have no dealer. When it gets down to the final table or the last few players some tournament directors will start dealing for the remaining players, or get a volunteer to do the dealing. You should avoid this. Let them keep dealing for themselves, even when it comes down to heads-up play. So it slows things down. So what? They're going to get paid. You're not.
   14. Let the game run late. If you're running a tournament that is played on a weekday evening, this is an ideal chance to make people stay out later than they'd like. Structure the game so that it runs well past midnight to cause the maximum inconvenience. Failing this, at least have it run after the bar closes so that players are pressured into pushing the action or making a deal. A good way to achieve the late finish is to fail to accommodate a larger than usual number of players by changing the blind structure. Just let it run as usual and to hell with the complaints.
   15. Blame the players. If the game does run late due to your inadequate planning you should blame the players for this. Stand over them and tell them that they should stop wasting time or that it's time they started pushing all-in instead of just calling. Tell them that they'll have to split the cash if they don't hurry up. In particular, make sure that they are aware that it's all their fault that the tournament is running late and that it has nothing to do with the way that you structured it. Of course, if you happen to still be playing in the game, you can always try to persuade the bar manager to stay open a bit later so you can finish.

   Hopefully this is a useful guide for the best way not to run a poker tournament. If you follow these simple rules it should be easy to irritate, annoy and alienate the people who come to your tournament. If you consistently follow this guide you can be sure that people will go out of their way to avoid playing in your game and word will spread quickly that it is the last place that anyone would want to play. Good luck.