User-Name Awards

   It's awards season and the airwaves are awash with red carpet interviews and deeply humble acceptance speeches. But of course, there are the minor awards and then there's the big one. Yes, you know what I mean: the Kingjack user-name awards. So without further ado let me introduce:

 THE COMPLETELY UNOFFICIAL, COMPLETELY UNSANCTIONED AND IN-NO-WAY-WHATSOEVER-CONNECTED-IN-ANY-WAY-SHAPE-OR-FORM-TO-THE-WEBSITE-OF-THE-SAME-NAME KINGJACK 888 USER-NAME AWARDS...

As we play our games of online poker we occasionally stumble across clever, funny or just plain weird user-names. This is the occasion when the inventors of those entertaining names get their overdue recognition. Today, I will award a "Golden Donkey" to the winner in each of  six categories, as well as the supreme award, the "Unobtainium Donkey" to the best of the best. These much sought-after statuettes are made of pure plastic and dipped in genuine gold-coloured paint, and can be collected by the winners by sending me a postage and packaging fee of $US100.
   But before we get to the presentations, a word or two about the selection process. Ever since I started playing on 888 (about a year and a half ago) I've been taking note of any interesting user-names I come across. Having collected a list of about 70 names, these were then passed on to the one-man Category Committee and divided up into suitable categories. They were then passed on to the single-member Short List Committee, at which point just five names were put forward in each of the six categories. The nominees were then delivered to the Selection Panel (that's me) and the final winners were chosen. This information has been passed to me in sealed envelopes and will now be revealed.
    Note; the actual names have been abridged or altered in most cases for the sake of clarity (eg Super_Man806 would become superman)

 

Category 1: THE DONKEYFISH AWARD for the most creative use of the word 'donkey' or 'fish'.
This is a very popular theme and there were a great many entries, making it very difficult to narrow them down to just five names. But here are the finalists:
donkitup                manfishdonk            honkeydonk                     robofish               donkhoar
This was a tough final decision but I finally narrowed it down to two finalists:
Honourable mention goes to....            donkitup
And the winner is....               manfishdonk

Category 2: THE WTF? AWARD for the most obtuse, obscure or absurd user-name.
These are the names that make you go HUH? when you see them and, personally, I'd like to see more of them. The finalists are:
painthendef                    eyesshutwide               eatmyatheism              puffcabbage           runlikegod
After a great deal of soul searching I came up with two names, both of which, coincidentally, have a religious theme:
Honourable mention for outstanding verbal imagery...             runlikegod
And the winner is the perverse and defiant......          eatmyatheism

Category 3: THE I'M NOT OK AWARD for outstanding self esteem issues.
There were a surprising number of these excuse-me-for-breathing type names, and here are the best (or worst) of them:
badinfection              mucupus                dumbitch                      cupidstunt            toiletbrush
Both my finalists take self-denigration to whole new levels and were hard to choose between.
The 'I want to disinfect my keyboard' 2nd place prize goes to...              mucopus
And for sheer elegant simplicity, 1st prize goes to....       toiletbrush

Category 4:  THE MISTER PUMPKINHEAD AWARD for extreme cockiness. These names are the opposite of those in the previous category and often have no correlation to the actual abilities of the persons concerned:
ifIraiseufkd                 hahasukka               saythx2urmom                 payandsmile              itzpayday
There doesn't seem to be as much creativity in this category as some of the others, however:
Honourable mention for absurd bravado goes to....        ifIraiseufkd
The winner, for supreme (and probably unmerited) self-confidence...                   payandsmile

Category 5: THE POKER JOKER AWARD for creative use of poker-related terms.
There are a lot of these types of user-name. They are everywhere. These are the five that stood out for me:
pokerdot                 str8faced                 hotflush                          roboflop                     suckoutmagnet
To be honest, I decided the winner the moment I first saw it, so the only contest was for 2nd place.
Honourable mention; you've gotta love this, very nice wordplay....             roboflop
The winner is so simple and so clever, it was no contest...      pokerdot         (It's even better if the player's name was actually Dorothy)

Category 6: THE NO-MAN'S LAND AWARD for names that don't really fall into any category.
Pretty much self explanatory really:
devilbitch                  palerider               chaseburger                       justdyl                        omgwhyme
Honourable mention goes to...                       omgwhyme
The winner, mainly because I like the movie...                                                  palerider

So there they are, the winners of the most prestigious completely-unsanctioned-poker-site-user-name-awards-in-a-blog for 2013. Now, there is only one more prize to be given out. The supreme best-of-the-best award. The overall winner.
   And the supreme award goes to....
                                                    the envelope please.....
                                                                                   Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of the Unobtainium Donkey is....
                                               POKERDOT!

 

 

Thank you, thank you and goodnight.